“You Never Know What You Have Until It’s Gone”
Yesterday seemed as if it was the first day in while that Shame decided to stick around. I don’t know what it was; if his he was into it with all of his bitches or what. In a way, it was strange because I have gotten use to him coming and going. It was at the point where my walls were starting to build and the feelings of resentment were molding into my character. Yet at the very same time, it felt good that he was even here. For just that moment I was under the impression feeling as if Shame actually gave a damn about us. After texting Darryl, last night, I realized that I would only be hurting myself by playing the same games that Shame was playing. What else can I say, I cared about Shame. As much as I wanted to be mean to him and let him be. Part of me wanted to at least try. Anything is worth a try right? I think so.
After bathing and climbing into my bed, Shame stretched his arm out, wrapping it around my waste pulling me in close. He told me that he cared about me. As much as I tried to hold back and stand my ground. I gave in. My walls collapsed. Feeling our bodies entwined under sheets caused my body to shutter. Although it was dark in the bed room, I felt his eyes trace my body as he climbed on top of me pulling my oversized t-shirt above my waist. I gasped as he slowly shoved his dick inside of me…
‘You must not knoww ‘bout meeee, you must not know ‘bout meee. Cause I can have another you in a minute matter fact he’ll be here in a minute baaabby.’
I was knocked out of my train of thoughts of Shame and I making love last night by a loud Beyonce’s ring tone. I looked around the room in the direction that the sound was coming from and saw it on my night stand.
Reaching over across the bed, I picked up my ringing phone; looking at the caller ID I read P.J. across the screen. I haven’t spoken to him in a while. He would usually text me to let me know that he was thinking about me. I would be mean and brush him off.
Before I met Shame, P.J. was my boo thing. We never went beyond a little kissing and touching which went on for about a year. I really had a thing for him until he didn’t want to settle for me which had really fucked my feelings up. After pouring my feelings out to him and then watching him laugh as if my words weren’t nothing had really altered my thoughts on us. I would usually give him the cold shoulder. Instead, his phone call caused me to answer it.
“Hello” I said as I sat down on my bed.
“Dannnng I thought you wasn’t gone answer the phone” P.J laughed.
I smiled on the other end of the phone listening to his voice and his laugh. I missed that a lot about P.J. I remember that we would sit up in his blue Monte Carlo and just talk. Talk about everything, about life, about love… but never about us.
“Now why would you say that?” I asked.
“You don’t have to shoot the shit with me Mya… you been acting funny. I don’t know if it was because I told you that I wasn’t ready for a relationship or what…”
“Well what? Shame got you like that? Got you acting funny around a niggah?”
“No P.J. he don’t…”
“How have your relationship being going anyway?” He asked, putting emphasis on relationship.
After venting to P.J. about Shame’s cheating. He stated that he knew it was bound to happen one day.
“Shit… I thought you were happy since you kept pushing me to the side.”
“I was happy P.J… besides you wasn’t trying to make a commitment to me so why does my relationship matters to you…?”
“It matters because I care about you Yemya. A niggah didn’t want to settle with you because I felt that I would hurt you…” he signed into the phone.
Speechless and unable to respond back to P.J’s testimony, I leaned back against the headboard and exhaled. To know that a man care about you enough to not want to risk hurting you is priceless. For that, I couldn’t help but to respect P.J for his actions. Hearing the phone beep in my ear, I looked at my caller ID to see that Shame was calling me.
“Look P.J… it was good talking with you. But the boo is calling in on my other end sooo I’ll have to call you back.”
Laughing P.J reluctantly said ok and then ended our conversation agreeing to speak on later terms. Clicking over to the incoming call “What’s up Shame?” I asked speaking into the receiver of the phone.
“Damn… took you long enough to pick up baby… what’s up wit you? What you doin’?” Shame asked.
“Nothing really… just chilling. You left in a hurry this morning…”
“You were sleeping so good, I didn’t want to wake you. I had to handle some business… I can make it up to you though?”
As much as I wanted to consider that an option being arranged; I decided against it. Besides, it was time for me to head to work and having Shame coming over for a quickie just wasn’t going to cut it for me. A quickie is more of a tease, only giving you a little bit of satisfaction. Me, I wanted to enjoying a long fuck session and then falling asleep with my ass poked out and my thumb in my mouth. You know… that “act right.”
“As much as a love to Shame, I would have to take you up on that offer some other time…”
“Ooooh okay.” he said with a little disappointment in his voice. I don’t know why he had the long face for. Hell, my shit wasn’t the only shit that he was getting so he wasn’t missing out on nothing but my time. As much as I wanted to tell him that I’m willing to call into work just to be with him… I knew in my mind that I need to be firm with Shame. By me being firm will only make me feel more confidant and courageous enough to free my heart from loving him. Sometimes it just takes a little strength from being fed up that comes from within if you ask me. That’s the only way I’ll be able to get by. Lucky for me, he is just on the other end of the phone. If he was here… before it is all said and done; I’ll be dialing my job number letting them know that I over slept and was running late.
“How about I’ll hit you up when I get off baby?” I asked. I wasn’t for sure if he was going to come or not. With Shame, you never know with him… you just never know.
“Aii’ght boo… do dat…” He stated.
“Cool… bye” I said after pressing end on my phone. Looking at the time, I realized it was 12:00 p.m. I had an hour to get ready for work. Hopping off the bed, I pulled out my uniform, prepping them to be ironed. Walking into the kitchen, I pulled out my ironing board and iron carrying them back to my room. After Turning on the radio, I set the ironing board up, neatly placing my clothes on it then plugging up the iron.
“I can’t believe I want so much of Shame to be a part of my life.” I said to myself as I placed the iron on the right sleeve of my blue polo shirt. Can’t you believe that even I want to even share the painful parts with him? Sometimes love makes you willing to do that… if you love him enough. The confusing part is that I thought that I was strong enough to leave behind. Now that I know that he is cheating, that’s all I can feel, see and think. I’m guilty of letting him get to me, letting him get under my skin, letting other females make me react out of my character. But I can’t help, I love him… and I don’t want the truth to break us. Yet at times, I let it. I let it piss me off. A person can say anything out of love and pain. The question is… do they mean it? I mean, when we as woman are in love, we say, think and feel a certain way. Until a man hurt us— we hurt because we love. And when we love and end up hurt— we have pain, we have rage… we even shout words out of hate. Only because we are mad. But when it’s all said and done; and the for giving has come and gone… we love— we love hard.
The best that I can do is for me to concentrate on my future. I’m unsure if Shame will be a part of that or what. Sometimes I tell myself, only I can get me where I need to go… but at times I feel that Shame can be my downfall… he can set me back. Although it takes a while for a person to get over someone they love. I don’t care if it’s though life or death. Love is pure, it’s an uncontrollable feeling. As far as I am concerned, I want my heart to reach back out to Shame. But we all know that the mind is much stronger; and once a mind is made up then the emotions from a heart won’t deter it.